Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
EFT CYCLE EXPLAINED
EFT CYCLE EXPLAINED
How to Identify the cycle you and your partner continuously get stuck in
Most couples feel as though they are having the same argument over and over for years or even decades. Often the frustration that comes along with this will bring teams to therapy. In the evidence-based approach, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), this pattern is referred to as the EFT cycle or dance. While this cycle manifests differently for each couple, it typically involves 4 of the same elements that all feed into one another.
Discover the cycle you and your partner get stuck in, leading to arguments. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) identifies four elements: behavior, secondary emotion, primary emotion, and attachment needs. Understanding these elements can help heal past hurts and build a stronger relationship.
During the EFT dance, each of these things happens for both partners:
1. Behavior
At the very surface, we see a behavior taking place. This may look like closing up and going quiet or something more reactive such as yelling or demonstrating passive aggression.
2. Secondary Emotion
Below the behavior is a feeling causing ourselves or our partner to act the way we do. We'll refer to this as a "secondary emotion." Secondary emotions, such as anger or frustration, are typically ones we can see or are quite obvious.
3. Primary Emotion
Deeper yet, what activates a secondary emotion is referred to as a "primary emotion." These are the feelings we're often not as in touch with and are harder to see in others. An example of a primary emotion might be feeling hurt, lonely, sad, or devalued. We often have to dig a bit and introspect to identify these.
4. Attachment Needs
Finally, at the deepest level of what each partner is experiencing during these reoccurring arguments are unmet attachment needs. This refers to all individuals' emotional needs for a secure bond with their romantic partner. When these needs are unmet, the impact can be far-reaching, potentially influencing a person's self-esteem, emotional regulation, or ability to trust others. Examples of attachment needs are feelings like feeling emotionally safe, important and valued or as though we are enough.
Each element of the EFT cycle is connected, and most importantly, our behaviors are directly related to our partner's unmet attachment needs and vice versa.
Consider this practical example: Imagine John's reaction when Mary criticizes him - he becomes distant. This distancing behavior triggers Mary's unmet attachment need for connection while simultaneously triggering John's unfulfilled attachment need to feel sufficient and loved for who he truly is.
Sound familiar? Luckily, this is where couples therapy comes into play. Step one is identifying all of these parts for you and your partner. Then, with the help of a therapist, healing past hurts and moving forward with a new awareness of yourself and your partner becomes possible.
Together with a mental health therapist, you can heal past hurts, gain a new self-awareness, and move forward with your partner toward a stronger future.
Reach out to Couples and Family Therapist Katelyn Kosinski today or one of our other Couples Counselors!
Katelyn Kosinski
Marriage + Family Therapist - IT
katelynkosinskivitalminds@gmail.com
BOOK ONLINE:
https://portal.zencarepractice.com/vitalmindscounseling/booking
